Count Geoffroy of Thouars, 867-877 AD

And so in the fullness of time begins the mighty dynasty of House Thouars, of the county of Thouars, in the duchy of Poitou, in the kingdom of Aquitaine. Our family tree has exactly one dude on it, the man who started it all. Geoffroy de Thouars.

Who’s Lance you ask? I kid. From humble beginnings we all have sprung, though some more humble than others. Let’s see what we’re working with.

Oof. Generally speaking, your diplomacy score—the little scroll icon at left under my name—is not something you want to have at zero, for a monarch. I also have an heir already. With a diplomacy score of 1, the adorable four-year-old Aliénor is already more of a people person than I am. Even so, would be wiser to produce more kids pronto to spread out the genetic possibilities.

Geoffroy’s traits—the little row of pictures directly under his name—include “Cynical” (the thumbs-down image). Because I’m a cynic with zero skill in diplomacy, everybody hates me right off the bat (except my dear wife the Countess Ermengarde, who is also cynical and vibes with my hardcore pragmatism). Everyone also hates me because I’m new. New rulers start out with a “short reign” penalty that ticks down to nothing over time, changing into a “long reign” bonus eventually. Negative opinions are bad, especially among your councillors. So, first step is try to use intrigue and sway my bishop so he’ll grudgingly endorse me, and allow me access to church funds and personnel.

Pretty low chances to get ol’ Hamelin seeing things my way, but it will pass the time.

Meanwhile, it just so happens that I have a claim on the neighboring county of Montaigu, and thus a casus belli against the current owner, the good Count Hæsteinn. Unfortunately he’s a Norse monster who is my superior in almost every respect, including a much larger army. He also hates me.

At least nominally, I’m protected by my liege, King Charles II “The Bald” of Aquitaine and also West Francia. Charles does not appear to be bald, but given that he also dislikes me, I am not going to raise the issue.

West Francia is one of two kingdoms Charles controls. My county of Thouars technically resides in the neighboring kingdom of Aquitaine, but since Charles has that crown too, he’s still my boss.

The little light blue blob outline in the northwest of Aquitaine is Thouars.

A border county in a dual kingdom is not a particularly stable place to be, but this is our land! Long live Thouars! Our king will protect us!

Whoops, the king decided it would be better if this jerk count in Thouars was delegated to one of his sub-lords, so now I’m reporting to Duke Ramnulf II of Aquitaine. He at least is almost ambivalent about me!

Someday I hope to have minions to delegate other minions to. Sculpting and fine-tuning your noble employees is often the main occupation in Crusader Kings once you get further up the power pyramid. Of course, you also spend a lot of time manipulating and/or crushing them.

I notice that my neighbor Count Hæsteinn has raised his overlarge army and is on the march! Fortunately he’s not attacking me, but rather invading the entire kingdom of East Francia (to the east, unsurprisingly) all by himself. He is able to do this as mere count because many early Norse nobles are granted big globs of “special troops”—sizable but non-renewable legions to roughly approximate historical hordes of Viking types chewing away at the allegedly more civilized lands.

But I’m fine with this invasion as it keeps Hæsteinn off my back. Ideally he’ll get clobbered, and I can move in to mop up his county. Kicking other rulers when they’re down is possibly the main occupation in Crusader Kings.

My lord the Duke has invited me to join his council as his marshal, which is a poor choice on his part but who am I to decline. Serving on the council of your liege comes with various perks and bonuses, plus it gives you a tiny bit of influence over council business.

Fortunately, my scheme to sway my bishop succeeded. His dislike of me is now mild enough that it will eventually sweeten into positive territory, once the short reign penalty wears down. And my steward managed to squeeze the peasants for extra taxes, which made me chill right out because I’m a greedy bitch. Good job stew!

I spend the money on troops and troopy buildings, against the rainy day of actual warfare. Count Hæsteinn’s invasion of East Francia appears to be losing steam, even though my idiot chancellor accidentally granted him a claim on my county. He’ll almost certainly attack me if he comes out of his current war with an intact army.

Ah, but I am not just a fighter, I am also a lover. A courtly lover in fact, using my newfound martial knightly skills to cut a dashing figure in view of my wife the Countess Ermengarde, all the better to make with the baby-making.

Three years may seem like a long time to spend romancing your own wife! Guess I’m just an incurable romantic.

Or maybe I’m just a super sexy virile stud?

Ladies, is there anything sweeter than your man helping you to gain the trait pregnant? Did you gain the trait turned on, hearing those words? I know you did. Nevertheless, I will continue my scheme to romance my pregnant wife, because I’m a feminist like that.

Speaking of feminism, I have another daughter! Welcome little Adelaide, fruit of my romantic loins.

Purely from a gameplay standpoint, having only daughters in Medieval Times is a little challenging, since the rest of the world is decidedly Not Feminist. With some exceptions, a female ruler gets an automatic opinion penalty because, what, ladies supposed to run this? Too bad, my daughters will kick all your asses! I’ll see to it.

My scheme to romance Ermengarde hits a bump when she asks me to starve myself to prove my love, which I try to do, but the game informs me I instead “succumb to your body’s needs” and pig out. Oh well, she’s disgusted now, but later she’ll thank me (for not starving to death).

Incredibly, my own chancellor attempts to seduce my wife right in front of me! I challenge him to a duel, and against the odds manage to best him. Chivalry ain’t dead after all.

I’m watching Count Hæsteinn’s exploits in East Francia with growing concern. The war has dragged on for nine years, and while Hæsteinn hasn’t won outright, he’s wearing down his opponent. If he wins, Hæsteinn will take over that entire kingdom under the terms of Norse invasion. And he’s also signed on as an ally for the nearby county of Léon, engaged in its own war of adventure in England. Not good!

But you know what is good? Having a soulmate! I killed a wolf that threatened Ermengarde during a hunt, and my romancin’ scheme is complete. She’s still a little disgusted with me about the food thing, but that will pass! And now, let us lay together and make a bunch more babies if you please.

Feminism wins again as this mating of souls produces my third daughter, little Adelinde. Daughters may endure prejudice as rulers, but they’re good for making family connections through marriage that can turn into alliances, or even unlikely inheritances. We’ll see who’s on the market when the girls are of age. Generally speaking I try to avoid betrothals of underage nobility, as they prevent you from making a better match when the children are actually ready to start manufacturing heirs of their own. But they can be useful in a pinch.

Over in Montaigu, Count Hæsteinn thankfully signed a truce with East Francia before losing a pointless small war to some local rebels. He’s still in power though, and still has an army twice the size of my own, so not a realistic opponent yet. At 62, he’s getting pretty old. Here’s hoping he conks off naturally and I can take advantage of a succession crisis before he comes knocking on my wee castle door.

Remember the non-bald King Charles II the Bald? He’s now embroiled in a defensive war versus a ravening horde of Norsemen looking to take over one of his duchies. Since he’s my liege, I could join his war as an ally, but my paltry few hundred troops would make little difference. However, if the war breaks Baldy’s way, I’ll gladly join in at the end with less risk in order to score brownie points.

Next: Enter Blahoslav.