Duke Guy I of Poitou, 977-987 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

While it’s grand to finally be a duke, there’s no rest for the wicked who nevertheless feel bad about the murders they keep committing. I need to find my way as quickly and efficiently as possible holding a kingdom title, which will in turn let me vassalize dukes (who can then vassalize counts).

Here’s the current political state of affairs in La France, 977 AD:

In the upper left, Poitou is me. (I’m not independent though—I’m a vassal of the kingdom of Aquitaine.) The southern half of my realm is the de jure duchy of Poitou, the title I hold. The northern half consists of four counties of the de jure duchy of Brittany that I also control. With sufficient gold I could also create that duchy title, but that would split my realm on my death due to the way inheritance currently works.

Zooming out a bit, here are the possible French and French-ish de jure kingdoms I could pursue:

As the duke of Poitou, I am a vassal in the kingdom of Aquitaine. To actually claim the kingdom title of Aquitaine, which as you can see in the first map is greatly fragmented, I’d have to control a lot more territory. But I already have enough to claim the kingdom title of Brittany. It’s a weak kingdom to be sure, but it would help me keep all holdings under the control of my heirs, and their heirs. I just need a huge chunk of gold, as I’ll have to fund the bureaucratic creation of first the duchy and then the kingdom titles of that realm. The catch is that to create the kingdom title, I’ll have to rebel for independence from my liege, King Louis III of Aquitaine.

So my best bet is simply to buckle down and not screw up anything if I can avoid it, accumulate gold, keep my heir safe, and get ready for lots of big spending.

Of course, nobody will leave me alone. The neighboring kingdom of West Francia is falling to pieces, its king losing three wars simultaneously after already losing a coastal duchy to a Norse invasion. Those hardy Vikings, now settled as Normans, begin a leisurely raiding tour that includes my lands. A costly nuisance.

Then I’m finally called to help out one of the allies who assisted me en route to my own dukedom. This time it’s Duke Hardwin von Salm of West Franconia, attempting to wrest a bit of the duchy of East Franconia from the kingdom of Bavaria. I don’t care a whit for these proceedings, but penalties for dishonoring an alliance are rather dear. So off I go, grumbling, to war.

But things take a suddenly very unpleasant turn when the Umayyad Sultanate, a Muslim nation that has captured most of Spain, suddenly declares holy war for none other than my Duchy of Poitou. Supremely irritating because there are many much closer targets for the sultanate to jihad against, and also, Sultan Abdul-Hazm ibn Fahra has a prreeettty big army. Even worse, enemy allies pile into the fray and double the size of the invading force.

I rapidly conclude a peremptory siege over in Bavaria and begin trudging home, hoping to at least assist in the likely doomed defense of my home. My liege and I combined field about 8500 troops, while Team Jihad is coming with 13,500. They head right for my capital of Thouars, of course.

That’s not even all of ‘em! I hire some mercs and set them to rendezvous with my wee baby army farther east of Aquitaine. The only play here is to dodge around these superior armies, letting attrition from long supply lines wear them down, darting in for attacks of opportunity and trying to retake any places they occupy. My liege’s forces are far to the south, sieging territory in the Umayyad Sultanate itself. Not my first choice but perhaps it will serve as a distraction.

Ss I dance around with my smaller force, my liege King Louis III does eventually come north. We combine and attack, doing decent but by no means decisive damage, though the siege of Thouars is lifted while the enemy attacks another county to the south. The entire Sultanate army is now hanging out in my lands, and I guess it’s too scary because Louis takes his army to sea in order to re-invade Umayyad territory down Spain way.

I hide up north to watch as my enemies once again lay siege to Thouars. Definitely not happy with the way this is going. But then!

Oh boy did we get lucky. Turns out the Sultan Abdul-Hazm was losing a troublesome rebellion back home, and finally pulled out of his foreign adventure to settle his domestic affairs. He took with him one of my sisters and two nieces captured in sackings. What a scamp. I’ll ransom them back if I can.

I trudge back over to this stupid Bavarian war, still ongoing, and manage to help my ally clinch it so I can finally dismiss my troops and stop bleeding money. I was just getting straightened out and filling up the coffers again when it occurred to me that Guy 2 was getting pretty long in the tooth. And of course, so is (was) his wife Pernette:

Ah, Pernette! So glad you bucked the Thouars trend and turned out not to be a murderous psychopath. Miss u! But I do need a partner in these, my few remaining golden years. Not wanting to screw up Guy 3’s inheritance with any latter-day inconvenient brothers, I find a lovely infertile Wessexian noblewoman to help me keep an eye on things.

“Implacable”? Is that what people say about me? Could be worse. Welcome, Gunhilda! This probably won’t take long. I’m 65 years old over here. In a fit of aged benevolence I ransom back my nieces and sister from our recent guest the Sultan. They love me for it, and rightly so.

I have enough money at least to create the Duchy of Brittany, but decide against it. Doing so now would have some benefits, and my son and heir Guy 3 would inherit both duchy titles. But under the laws of our primitive confederate partition inheritance, the Duchy of Brittany will be automatically created for him at my death anyway, for free. I note he has two sons of his own—meaning that when Guy 3 dies, each son would get a duchy, and the realm would be split. The bureaucratic technology to allow for concentrating all titles in your principal heir is a long ways off still, unfortunately. Which means Guy 3 may have some annoying decisions to make in order to safeguard the integrity of the realm.

Speaking of my son, he’s looking a little rough. Got wounded and somehow lost a leg! Quel dommage!

No idea how he was wounded, perhaps in battle of his own instigation while I was out defending the realm. Still looks pretty sexy though, right? First Thoaurs to have more than one son. Worth the leg, perhaps.

I decide to spend gold spiffing out my men-at-arms—another investment for Guy 3’s future military needs. Then I’ll just sit back and enjoy a little peace and qui—

Oh well! RIP me, hello Guy 3.

Next: Managing up to an evil sadistic giant.