Emperor Raynaud III of Francia, 1247-1260 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

My now-typhus-free daughter Guilaumette comes of age. I don’t want any more troublesome alliances at the moment, so I marry her matrilineally to an unlanded genius holy warrior named Guichard.

I spend some time regenerating the gold-pile while laying out plans for the conquest of Wales. I’m only at 44 of the 75 required counties to form the empire of Britannia, so it’s going to take Wales plus Scotland to make it all add up. A project to be carried on by my worthy descendants.

Or … is it quite that distant? One of my Diplomacy lifestyle perks is the Forced Vassalage casus belli, which allows me to just bully a weaker neighbor into bending the knee via force of arms. Let us look west to Leinster.

Turns out Petty King Tigernán mac Rheinallt Treguier—who holds the petty kingdoms aka duchies of Leinster and Munster, as well as a piece of Wales—holds few enough counties personally that he’s eligible for Forced Vassalage. It means he’d be joining the empire under duress, which all but guarantees vassal problems down the road. But it also means I’d get that bit of Wales and half of Ireland in my grip, substantially advancing the cause of forming Britannia.

Petty King Tigernán’s allies are mostly my vassals, meaning they won’t help him. To war!

I raise my forces in England and siege Tigernán’s two counties in Wales. I split the rest, marching half north through Scotland and over the causeway, then down south through Ireland to Leinster. We’re immediately met by the small Leinsterian army, duly smashed. In the battle we capture one of Tigernán’s heirs, who happens to also be a Thouars, and is also named Raynaud.

Our clan is everywhere! Shortly after that battle we take the capital of Leinster and capture another son of the king, and it’s all over. I’m still a way from forming Britannia at 53 of 75 required counties, but further along than I expected. As a bonus though, I can create the kingdom of Wales, which will supply the legal pretext for more territorial gains.

Speaking of crowns, I still hold the kingdom title of England. My English vassals are among the most restive since we’re of different cultures. It would be wise to hand off that title, but I want to allow my heir to do that on coronation as a way to win an instant pal during the delicate succession years.

My twins Maurice and Adelaide come of age. I marry Maurice to a talented Cispaline girl named Marcella Guideschi-Monaco, and Adelaide to yet another goodly Cispaline named Svetislav Maleinos-Lagania. No alliances please.

After allowing my treasury to become once again turgid with wealth, I cast my acquisitive eye on the outstanding lands of Wales, mostly those in the de jure duchy of Gwynedd held by the lyrically named Prince Gwrgant ap Bleddyn Emlyn, who also holds ducal titles to the Isles and Moray. He’s the strongest remaining independent ruler in Britain, and taking Gwynedd away won’t crush him. But it will reduce him, which is the first step to crushing him. And he definitely need crushing, as he has a disproportionately large army and a fortune in gold rivaling my own.

Prince Gwrgant obligingly summons his large army right across the border from my own even larger force, leading to a series of one-sided smashings and capturings while I scatter little siege forces across Gwynedd. The war comes to a premature end, in my favor, when I capture his son and heir on the battlefield. More of Britain vanishes into the abyssal maw of Francia.

I decide it’s finally time to get my son and heir into the rulership business, granting him the various counties recently won in Wales—including the duchy of Gwynedd and the kingdom title itself. It’s a calculated risk, as it means I can’t control his personal affairs anymore. But it should overall help him to get more established by the time of his ascension to the imperial seat. Just have to hope he doesn’t do something foolish like convert to Welsh culture or become a warlock or something.

Since I have the use of this Forced Vasslage perk courtesy of my Diplomacy lifestyle, figure I’d best make as much use of it as I can. It’s certainly … cleaner to fabricate claims and take over territory piecemeal, as it allows me to replace ornery locals with slightly less ornery nobles of French or even de Thouars extraction. But just snapping up weaker locals wholesale is faster, so we’ll go that route with Duke Walram Donnchaid of Mann, which controls some scattered territory in addition to his titular Isle of. He’s even a Catholic Franconian so will hate me slightly less than some of his neighbors.

I’m placidly observing my armies grinding down the performative Mannian resistance when suddenly this little guy pops up.

Ol’ Skully never brings good news. Best wrap up this miniature conflict and prepare for the hereafter I reckon. Fortunately Duke Walram can’t resist my inexorable advance, and so surrenders and bends the knee after a few battles and sieges.

From now on I’m just going to stay peaceful and profitable in preparation for death and succession. Britain is looking very nicely French these days, so I’m happy with my progress on securing a second empire.

Just need 13 more counties under my control to make that switch, which should be a simple matter for the next guy. In the meantime, the defeat of Mann means I have enough of Ireland under my sway to create that kingdom title, which will make the process even easier.

But then it turns out I might end up living awhile despite Ol’ Skully’s warning, as my near-death-ness is a result of my alternating weight issues. When you have the Obese trait, you can chose the Lose Weight option, which keeps the weight off … most of the time. But you tend to cycle back to Obese every once in a while. Being aged and also a Drunkard, my willpower clearly isn’t the strongest, so I keep gaining and losing Obese (and gaining and losing Skully). Not a tenable state of affairs, so I resolve to not do any more wars regardless.

You’d think an old man could enjoy his golden years in sedate luxury, but turns out my daughter Adelaide has been tumbling with a nude earl.

One dude to another, Earl Matthias, you are in damn fine shape for 47. But I’m still going to put you in the dungeon. Plus it turns out this guy was my rival? And he seduced my own daughter??? I’m taking your title too, and you can die in jail naked rather than accept conversion for release, weirdo.

Holding the kingdom title of Ireland allows me to peacefully vassalize a number of Irish nobles. That means I only need seven more counties to create the empire of Britannia. And I notice that poor Petty King Ffriog III mab Iago Mallerslange-Edinburgh of Gododdin controls even more counties than I’d need, he’s currently very weak, and he qualifies for Forced Vassalage. Stay thy hand a moment longer, Death!

While that final war (really) proceeds, my late surprise baby son Aymar finally comes of age. I decide to leave him unmarried so my heir can bargain with his hand alliance-wise.

Petty King “Kermit the” Ffriog leads me on a merry chase around the north of England and the south of Scotland, but in the end he succumbs, submits, and gives me what I need.

My title! MINE! Funny how in both this empire’s case and that of Francia, the title seemed out of reach for an elderly monarch, until it wasn’t. Real manifesting your desires in the world type stuff. My new eminence convinces a couple stray counts to offer themselves up for vassallization, which in turn allows me to create the kingdom of Scotland. I’ll let my successor sort out all these crowns in exchange for vassal brownie points when the time comes.

Just sittin’ around waitin’ to die and not dying, gaining and losing Obese, watching other wars come and go. A brief civil war rips up the last non-French holdout in Britannia, and the resulting two duchies voluntarily vassalize. All that’s left is a paltry two-county petty kingdom that’s at already at war with one of my other vassals. Maybe I should …

Whoops never mind! Fourth Raynaud, it’s all you.

Next: Handing out crowns like business cards.