Emperor Raynaud of Francia, 1166-1171 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

It’s new emperor time!!!

Still I’m not sure if this is an appropriate occasion to “laugh gently” while looking over a crowd of vassals who are no doubt all calculating their odds of deposing me. I’m just a month shy of my 16th birthday, so about ready to come of age and take full control of the empire. I’m a handsome young man! The world is my lobster!

Stats are ok, nothing too bad nor too good. I’m “Comely” which is like the lowest version of hotness. But not a bad look.

And I’m the first Thouars emperor by inheritance. The dynasty tree is now so large that any image of it would be pointless here. There’s always the “lineage view” which is just a sidescroll of portraits of player characters.

Not particularly useful or informative but cute I suppose. Let’s check out the state of the empire!

Not bad, not bad at all. Now let’s see if I can survive the usual vassal unrest without dying and/or losing territory.

I’m not betrothed, but my 16th birthday is only a month away, so I decide to wait till then to get hitched. I put my most powerful vassals on my council, though of course I know this will not stop those who join factions against me. They immediately start forming up, though too early to tell where everyone will land.

But I’m a man now! I got a crown and everything.

Great to start off already disappointed with myself. Indeed I am but a shade of Grampa Sigismond’s diplomatic mastery. Here’s hoping I can improve and not die.

As the factions warm up, I realize I need to take a hit for the realm and marry for an alliance. I actually find a pretty good bride-to-be in the Most Serene Republic of Venice—a girl who is even prettier than me, and also with the Intelligent trait. The downside is she’s only 10 years old, so it will be six years before we can start the heir-making journey. But between the immediate use of her father’s considerable military and her own commendable genetics, it seems worth the wait.

Now to make it through the next six years.

I manage to peacefully vassalize the former king Hélie of West Francia, still clinging to his two counties over there. I guess he doesn’t mind having outlived my grandfather’s torment. I do wish old granddad had left me a lot more gold, as it would make greasing the transitional wheels much easier. As it stands I feel like I have to avoid spending much, since I’ll likely be using it for civil war.

Speaking of which, according to the faction tracker I’m about six months out from an ultimatum from a Liberty faction who wants lower crown authority in the realm. My fine cousin King Sigismond II of West Francia is leading that group of malcontents, currently numbering six dukes, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that number grew. Drastic measures are called for.

I have alliance with Venice in place that will help. But I need more. Much more. I betroth my five-year-old sister Constance to the three-year-old Prince Ekkehard Emenon of Bavaria, who also happens to be our cousin. Not good genetic hygiene but these are desperate times.

Lotharingia concerns me. We have a history, our two realms, and it’s not a good one. King Manfred II Chatenois-Luxembourg covets his de jour county of Namur, which ended up under my control during the last round of wars. I don’t have an alliance-worthy match to buy him off unfortunately. I can only hope that if he declares war on me, it will be after West Francia has already rebelled—meaning they’d be fighting each other. That would serve them both right.

The only other ready relative I have for alliance-marriage fodder is my five-year-old brother and heir Édouard. I can either betroth him to one of the rebellious dukes, kicking that duke out of the rebel faction, which will take about 2,800 troops out of the potential rebellion. Or, I can betroth him to Princess Vasilisa Oskyldr of Moldavia, which has about 7,500 troops but is very far away. After some heavy soul-searching, I go with the latter option.

That’s about if for my limited alliance ability at present. I do kill maybe a bird-and-a-half by granting my troublesome new vassal Count Hélie to the troublesome King Sigismond of West Francia, buying me a truce with the former and goodwill from the latter, and with luck they’ll keep each other busy.

My self-created vassal King Armengol in Navarra predictably creates his own rebellious faction for independence. He’s alone for now, and so can’t send an ultimatum to kick off a war. I start a Sway scheme to hopefully improve his opinion of me, but it’s a long shot.

The discontentment ticker on the bigger Liberty faction winds down to ultimatum time. But King Sigismond II of West Francia drops out of the faction, which makes their total strength much less scary. Now it’s just a rogue’s gallery of malcontented dukes.

Sure enough, the faction stabilizes at five dukes, who cast their lot for war against their rightful Emperor.

I summon my allies, and it’s off to the races.

Initially I plan to lurk across my borders and wait for my allies to arrive. But the nature of this rebellion means that all the dukes’ armies are scattered around, meaning I duck into enemy territory and win two battles against them while they form up. They retreat a bit and lay a few sieges in the west of Francia, so I do the same in the east as my allies’ formidable armies begin to arrive.

Back to back, I make two outrageous mistakes. One, I charge my army over to assault the enemy’s collected force, but I get there before my allies—on extremely unfavorable ground—such that even though we have more troops as my allies dribble in, we lose the overall battle.

I mean that is an absolute massacre. On top of that, a number of my nobles and allies are captured and killed. Sucks to be me, only slightly less than it sucks to be them. The rebels managed to occupy my capital right before this battle, killing a number of courtiers and capturing several, including my younger brother and heir (further tipping the warscore in their favor).

While this is going on, my total army has been reduced enough that my vassal King Armengol Frédéricez Thours-Girona of Navarra is strong enough to make an independence demand. Without thinking I refuse, when I should have just let him go. Now I have two disadvantageous wars to deal with.

My vassal and frienemy King Sigismond II of West Francis excommunicated in the middle of all this. With my spymaster dead on the battlefield, I appoint my grandmother Iouliana in charge of his office on the council. She’s still around! What a cool granny.

My retreating forces scamper back to Angoulme to break that occupation and lick their wounds. My idiot allies from Moldavia finally arrive just in time to be slaughtered back in the east. This is one of the worst jobs of war management I’ve ever turned in as a player, I have to say. Good times!

On the plus side, when I turned 18 I sprouted this voluminous beard! And I wear a cape now.

Somehow none of this makes me feel better. Perhaps I need to go try out for the Allman Brothers.

I manage to un-siege my capital and surrounding lands, which brings the warscore back down to -50 against me. I move my troops north, hoping to draw the enemy into my territory and wear them down. The Moldavian army returns and once again fails to avoid the enemy, getting smashed for a second time.

But then the worm turns, a little bit! The enemy army comes back to retake my capital of Angoulme, but I manage to sneak back around, allies in tow, and hit them hard where I have the advantage for once.

Now it is I doing the slaughtering! I spend a lot of time chasing these fractured ducal armies all over the map, gradually eking out an advantage. I completely ignore the Navarran independence war, and eventually King Armengol gets his freedom, which is annoying enough. But apparently another consequence of losing an independence war against a vassal is my crown authority drops—i.e., the very result I’m fighting against in this other war. Just fantastic!

In the middle of all this, my worst ally Moldavia calls me to help defend them in a holy war against invading Kabarites. Sure I’ll sign on to make nice, but frankly not my top priority right now, your excellency.

King Sigismond, my excommunicated vassal, dies under mysterious circumstances. The new king of West Francia is his one-year-old son Yves. Well at least he won’t be rebelling against me for a few years.

One of the rebellious dukes is deposed by his own vassals, kicking him out of the war. A small mercy. And then!

FINALLY. What a bloody mess. Though really I have no one but myself to blame for those foolish mistakes at the very beginning. I still have this idiotic holy war in Moldavia to deal with, but since it’s a holy war, I can just call up the good ol’ Knights Templar to fight the heathen and let my own troops rest and recover.

Next: Cleaning up the British, at home and abroad.