Emperor Raynaud of Francia, 1171-1179 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

And now, the best part of Crusader Kings: PUNSHING THOSE WHO HATH WRONG’D ME. In other words, revoking and redistributing titles from captured rebels locked away in my dungeon.

From one of the rebel dukes I revoke the county of Perigord, restoring the entirety of my home duchy of Aquitaine to my direct control. That duke is kin, so I let him keep his other titles so that his Thouars heir will inherit, keeping them in the dynasty. The other dukes all lose everything, their titles distributed to worthy newly ennobled Thouars kin who hold me in high esteem. The rebels, still titled or not, will remain in the dungeon till they die. Rebellion doesn’t pay folks! (Unless you sneak your rebellion in underneath another rebellion like that coy Armengol in Navarra.)

My aunt Elisabeth came of age in an enemy prison—not sure how she got there, or how long she’s been in jail—but she gets sprung finally, so I marry her matrilineally to a smart sword-happy Cispaline named Lanfranco Covasina-Casentino.

My lovely Lodovica joins me in wedded bliss at last. Our match was created in expediency, but she’s actually pretty great.

I give her the traditional wedding gift of gold, but I’m in the middle of a Befriend scheme, so the usual seduction/romance routine will have to wait a bit. Fortunately, the friendship pops up early, and that’s not the only thing poppin’ because I’ve barely begun my seduction routine when Lodovica becomes pregnant.

My holy knights make short work of the Moldavian ally war, capturing the enemy sovereign on the battlefield. Peace at last! And just in time, for Lodovica gives birth to a son. She suggests we name him Raynaud after yours truly, and who am I to refuse. Cue hovering baby graphic!

Little Raynaud Jr. is both Handsome and Intelligent, which makes for good ruler material should be actually survive that long.

Now that I finally have some semblance of security, it’s time to determine my own targets for expansion. I have a few de jure claims for imperial Francia territory on the continent. The biggest of these is versus Lotharingia, who I could probably take on but it would be bloody and expensive. King Manfred II over there is pretty old though, so I think I’ll wait on the usual succession chaos in that realm before making a move. Then there’s Italy, which is quite weak at the moment, and a couple of the remaining British petty kingdoms. Those will either stay the same or get weaker, so I decide to work Italy while they’re down.

Simultaneously though, I conclude my major playground for territorial expansion beyond the bounds of Francia will be Britain itself—still a riot of smaller petty kingdoms. That should be easier to roll through rather than bumping up against more established foes further east or south in Europe. So I dispatch my archbishop to begin fabricating claims across the channel in Wessex.

As my troops besiege castles in the disputed duchy controlled by Italy, my wife Lodovicia succumbs to my seduction scheme and we become lovers. Truly, de jure warfare is the greatest aphrodisiac. Not long after, Lodovica becomes pregnant again.

My troops take the two counties at issue in Provence, and we smash Italy’s sad and depressed army on the way to the Italian capital. Lodovica gives birth to our daughter Blanche. Just like her older brother, she’s Pretty and Intelligent. The enemy capital falls, the remainder of their army is annihilated, and Provence returns to the bosom of Francia. Badda bing.

With that duchy in hand, I take some time off from wars and finally get to the expensive task of reconstituting the kingdom of Burgundy under my rule as emperor. After recreating the kingdom title, I grant it to my good pal, marshal, and kinsman Amédée de Thouars. Lodovica gives birth to our second son, inevitably named Sigismond.

Across the water, the fabrication mission goes very well indeed.

Grabbing that whole duchy will definitely help expedited the French invasion of Ol’ Blighty.

A peasant rebellion goes off, is immediately crushed, and per usual I force the conversion and recruitment of the leader into my ranks of knights.

I decide it will indeed be more fun to go after Wessex first since I can take the whole duchy. Just for insurance, I call in my allies in Bavaria and Moldavia, though I’m not sure if they’ll bother to sail over for this low-stakes .

But they do! The Wessexian military retreats to the Isle of Wight, which is hard to attack directly across a causeway. So my army and those of my allies lay sieges all over Wessex. They’ll have to come out eventually, or lose.

Meanwhile at home, it turns out my wife has been plotting to murder my court physician, for some reason?

I think she’s just an agent in the plot to kill the doc, who has another local courtier as his rival. Not clear what anyone would gain by the doctor’s death. Perhaps this is just what people do to pass the time in an imperial court. I decline to jail my empress regardless.

The armies of Wessex take the bait, cross over from Wight, and are summarily smashed. Only a matter of time now.

Over in my vassal kingdom of West Francia, the king comes begging for gold.

The Thouars boy-king was displaced by the previous Karling-Montereau dynasty, who already hates me. I see no need to help out King Raoul, who will just continue to dislike me even more if I take some of his de jure land, or make his vassal contract more onerous. Manage your own shit my dude.

With a few more beatings, Wessex folds as expected. And lookee there: the first French foothold in England, established.

Next: My Handsome Adult Son.