King Jacques of Aquitaine, 1026-1036 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

I use some of my intrigue lifestyle experience to increase my own fertility (as you do), but no results yet. However, it appears my wife Sarrazine isn’t the only queen to catch my eye.

Tempting! But Queen Alice is 56, and already has male heirs of her own. So no real play for me there. Plus my wife is my soulmate!!! Or … is she?

Ever since I learned what now? I decide not to investigate further regarding the paternity of my daughter, as I don’t recall knowing my wife was unfaithful before? Let’s just pretend this never happened. That’s the healthy way.

There’s a civil war going on over in Byzantium that might make a play against West Francia plausible, but ol’ King Baudouin is also now allied with my brother King Guy II of Brittany. He’s a clever one, damn him. However, turmoil to the south makes it attractive to pick up territory from the Salimid Emirate, which holds three of my de jure counties.

The Salimids are already embroiled in three wars and have a relatively small army, but they also have a lot of gold which I assume they will use to buy mercenaries. I wait a while and let them spend that gold and those lives against the other wars before I step into the mix.

The Emir Elwigo II Gadiz immediately calls a Muslim holy order against me, making it a much more equal fight than I anticipated. So far there’s only one Catholic holy order in existence—founded by my own family—but it’s already in service elsewhere. I blow some gold on mercenaries to hedge my bets and lay siege to Barcelona.

Hey it’s been maybe a minute since something gross happened, how about a little incest temptation once again?

Of all the roleplaying reaches this game asks of me, I think incest is probably the one I’m just never going to fulfill. The game seems determined to keep floating the idea, ever hopeful.

My daughter Béatrice comes of age, and I betroth her to Prince Liudolf of Lotharingia. He’s nine, so might or might not come to pass. Always a calculated risk making a potentially useful alliance of course, since you might have to go fight some pointless war for your ally.

Speaking of war, the Salimid campaign wrapped up with only one brief battle and a couple of sieges, as I captured the Emir’s children when sacking his capital.

In creepier developments, my granddaughter Héloise, duchess of Armagnac and daughter of my poor dead only son Aymar, dies herself under mysterious circumstances at the age of 13. This means my eldest daughter Sarrazine inherits Héloise’s titles. Given that Sarrazine is described as an “Evil Ravener”—not to mention that she came on to me—it would not surprise me at all if she had arranged the murder of her niece. Sheesh.

At this point I just have to accept that my brother King Guy II is going to remain my principal heir, and he’s going to inherit only some of my titles. He’ll still have Brittany, but that will get subdivided away on his own death. Tough spot for the dealing with restive and comparatively powerful vassals down the road when your direct holdings are on the small side.

My daughter Valence comes of age. I find her an actual husband in the form of Duke Emmerich Magdeburg of East Franconia. Minor alliance, but just grafting ourselves further into the noble bloodlines all round.

As soon as that Catholic holy order frees up, I declare war on another southern neighbor—this time the Qutamid-Amaya Emirate—to liberate another county that is rightfully mine. This time it’s Lleida. The bellicose Emir Tello Mahomatiz still has mercs left over from his last war (taking Lleida from our old pals the Salimids). But the Catholic holy order I muster out has grown to over three thousand troops, so I can field a pretty large butt-kicking force altogether.

While I’m engaged in my south, my ally-by-marriage in East Franconia (not to be confused with East Francia) calls me to war over something called a Schmalkalden. Sounds made up but ok, I’ll get right on that.

My foe Emir Tello calls in yet another Muslim holy order, and when you add that into his own troops, mercs, and allies, his total forces outnumber my own. I think I can at least sack Lleida before his full army assembles, but they surprise me and chase me off the siege. Then they surprise me again by throwing their entire army at my retreating force. It’s a near thing, as my own holy order arrives just in time for a massive and extremely bloody battle.

In addition to the eight thousand dead, a dozen knights and nobles are wounded, captured, and/or killed on both sides (including one of my dukes). But most important is that I capture the enemy’s heir, giving me leverage to end the war victoriously and claim Lleida.

Now back to my ally’s war over in precious Schmalkalden. It’s a long way over there, and after an annoying protracted siege, the war for Schmalkalden is won with my troops’ help. Of course, right as that foreign adventure is wrapping up, my restive Basque Mulwalladi subjects rise up in rebellion against my Catholic rule. By the time I get my armies back to Aquitaine, they’ve already successfully sieged several counties. And on top of that, my wife Sarrazine dies!

As per usual, while losing a royal spouse is very sad, one must be practical about such matters. After a suitable grieving period of zero days, I find a new spouse in the form of a lovely young Poblanian named Jarmila Obriditen. She has very high diplomacy, and is considered Pretty. Who knows, maybe we can produce a son together.

Having learned my lesson in the past, I immediately give Jarmila a gift of gold to sweeten our new marital bond. Then I make with the seducing.

While that’s cooking, and I work on chasing down the rebels and punks menacing Aquitaine, my good ol’ bro and current heir King Guy II of Brittany proposes an alliance. Not sure what made him more inclined after passing on the idea for so long, but I’m more than happy to oblige. With luck this will allow me to break loose my last de jure county from West Francia, whom Guy is also allies with. Surely he wouldn’t fight against his own brother and ally! Surely!!!

For some reason these seduction schemes often climax in a public reading. Once again I am given the choice of subjects, attempting to suit my pick to Jarmila’s interests. She has the Wise Woman trait, so I choose something spiritual. Hot stuff apparently.

Rearranges her blouse! Well, we all know what that means. Failing to read the room, the Pope approaches me to join a new crusade for Jerusalem. As per usual I give him some money to buy my way out of crusading. More like Non-Crusader Kings. But look man, I’m a newlywed and all, you know how it is …

The peasants are finally subdued, and as per usual I recruit their captured leader as a knight. I can disband my armies and get back to domestic affairs.

Happy tidings! And Jarmila’s now both pregnant and my Lover, which is of course very hot for this Catholic tradking. If I do manage to produce a male heir with Jarmila, it will set up the occasional “old king/young heir” dynamic which makes for a nervous transition in terms of rebellion and stability.

Next: More daughters and a lil’ demonic possession.