King Jacques of Aquitaine, 1036-1047 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

Meanwhile, oh hey, look I have a sixth daughter!

Well that’s fine, another daughter, how lovely! Please put her with the others, in the baby daughter pile over there. Meanwhile I’m still hot to trot on the seduction scheme to keep the pregnancies coming, which climaxes this time in a lover’s duel versus a … bishop? Isn’t seducing a queen kind of against the bishop rules? Well never mind, imma beat his ass anyhow.

This fight gets us so hot we immediately lay together and produce, you guessed it, another daughter. Cute young Adalmode! You’re just a couple letters away from ice cream.

But then, out of the blue, I get some officially Weird News.

So my lovely daughter-producing queen is a witch. Well, look, we all have our issues! Far as I can tell she’s not doing any actively witchy things at me, and she is producing a lot of kids. Though maybe witches are predisposed to producing girls to make more witches? A question that science has yet to answer. Speaking of which/witch, Jarmila produces yet another daughter-on-demand, named Mélisande this time.

I distract myself from these feminine situations with a manly act in the south, once again prying a county away from the increasingly hapless Salimids in record time. The county of Tarragona rejoins her rightful kingdom of Aquitaine.

The cycle of war-daughter-war-daughter-war-daughter seems likely to continue, until it’s interrupted by a menacing yet vague announcement.

That’s probably not good right? We don’t usually say something good has an “onset.” Well I’m sure that will be fine, nothing too serious. Just a little … oh.

Demons! In my body! Flames, on the side of my head, et cetera. Could this have something to do with my witchy wife? In game terms this causes my health to decline, makes people less attracted to me (unless they’re possessed too), and adds a bonus to the Learning lifestyle for some reason. I guess because of my secret demon knowledge.

It’s time for my twin daughters to get married. Thing is, I don’t really need or want any marriage alliances at this point. Better to marry them matrilineally to husbands with good inheritable traits, keeping their families around to help out the local bloodline.

First up is Ildégarde. I hook her up with a super smart Slovien name of Vladimír Kubínský who happens to be an Adamite, which means he likes to hang out with no clothes on.

Dude is hella naked. (Nice discreet placement of that “Spouse” caption btw.) Ildégarde doesn’t look too into it, but give her some time, as her husband is in really good shape. Ildégarde’s twin sister Mathilde settles for a lowborn guy named Adalbert who is merely handsome, and not naked except for under his clothes.

My annoyingly distant but loyal ally in East Franconia declares war on East Francia for yet another imaginary place—this one called “Hohenlohe”—and of course I’m called in to assist. Once again my armies must march to far east, grumbling all the way. This guy’s really getting his money’s worth alliance-wise.

We’ve just laid siege to several East Francian castles when tragedy strikes: My daughter Béatrice dies in childbirth, which is enough to case me to have a nervous breakdown. This is a common problem for demon-possessed kings.

I decide to go for the first option, which gives me lots of stress relief at the cost a permanent Melancholic trait. That comes with lots of penalties, but frankly Jacques is really lingering a little too long in this life anyway.

As if on cue, my wife Queen Jarmila becomes pregnant yet again. Apparently she’s not bothered by the whole possessed thing? And I guess melancholy was considered hot back in the day. I’m 63 and she’s 36, by the way.

The war for Hohenlohe ends with my ally victorious, so with luck he’ll leave me alone for awhile. Far more importantly I have a son! Another real live son!!!!

Truly unbelievable. To recap, I have 10 children: eight daughters and two sons (two children are already deceased). Of course, Sigismond has a tough road ahead since I will almost certainly die before he comes of age, meaning he’ll be severely limited in his royal prerogatives. Not to mention there are many folks out there who would vastly prefer if Sigismond met with some misadventure before inheritance.

Despite my demonic possession and melancholy, I’m filled with a burst of optimism! (Unless that’s an aneurysm.) I notice that the king of West Francia has passed on, invalidating all those troublesome alliances. And the new King Godefroy is already hip deep in war, so it’s time to attack and secure Bourbon, my last outstanding de jure county.

I invest troops into Bourbon and surrounding West Francian counties, and they begin to fall like dominoes. I don’t even see any enemy troops as we begin a steady advance toward their capital, since the other war is consuming much more of King Godedroy’s attention. This makes sense because that other war is an attempt to claim his whole nation, while I’m just after one county that should be mind anyway.

The clock is ticking though, as I get the always welcome You’re About To Die skull popup.

This is troublesome as my war starts to get tangled up in West Francia’s other war. He has no allies against me, but he has some big allies (notably the Byzantine Empire) in his other war. This makes all those other ally armies still hostile to me, should we run into each other, even though they should not technically target me specifically. Unless they’re just following the West Francian armies around.

Hence you get annoying pseudo-accidental battles like this one. My sieging troops were fending off a small West Francian army, but then the Byzantine hordes joined in on the way north. My own idiot allies plunged into the fight too, the end result being that we’ll lose a bunch of soldiers pointlessly, and the warscore will tilt in my foe’s direction somewhat unjustifiably.

The mutant enemy horde hits my armies a second time before we can escape, then divides to re-siege my recent conquests. I really think King Godfrey should pay more attention to that other war now!

As if this wasn’t scary enough, the predictable murder plot against my infant heir is in fact underway.

My brother Guy would be the clearest beneficiary, since he’d inherit everything if Sigismond gets moved out of the picture. But I hope it’s not him, since Guy is a really nice Guy and we’re also official friends.

I want to leave as much gold as possible for Sigismond when Jacques dies, but I realize I need to force this West Francian war to a conclusion as rapidly as possible. I splurge on a large force of mercenaries and manage to get them, my regular army, and what remains of my allies to pull off a clutch battle victory versus a larger force—and we capture King Godefroy on the field, ending the war in my favor.

My daughter Ildégarde’s husband Vladimír dies on the field of battle, however. Remember him, the nudist? He converted to the righteous faith and died well in its service. Ildégarde is pregnant but still needs a new husband. I betroth her matrilineally to a 12-year-old Norse genius kid. Maybe it will all pan out, who knows! I’m a demon-possessed melancholic old man with a nervous breakdown, I’m not responsible for my decisions.

With the war in Bourbon won, there’s really no reason to get involved voluntarily in any further wars while Jacques is still alive. Mainly I focus on accumulating wealth, enforcing the peace, and trying not to muck anything up for Sigismond. No luck on finding out his would-be murderer either. I’m a little concerned the ultimate schemer might be my own eldest daughter Duchess Sarrazine, who would be next in line after Sigismond. Recall that she was heavily implicated in the murder of her niece, which is what led to Sarrazine inheriting her duchy.

However, it appears all of that will be the earthly concern of other mortals than I. So long, Jacques, you were a real one.

Ah, it’s good to be the four-year-old king. Now it’s time to try and survive twelve years of scheming and rebellion in order to reach the age of majority!

Next: I’m just a wee baby!