King Sigismond II of Aquitaine, 1110-1122 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

Well once again I am a kid Sigismond inheriting the kingdom. I’m a little older and a bit better positioned, but still at 10 years of age, I have 6 years of vulnerable struggle ahead of me. The Thouars dynasty tree continues to widen and deepen.

Lots of housekeeping. I still have to manage the war with West Francia begun by Sigismond I. The latest Crusade is still happening, but I’m not covered by dad’s donation—I’ll have to pledge some gold of my own. But I can’t do that until Dad’s war is wrapped up, which means I risk the Pope’s holy wrath the longer I don’t pony up for Jesus.

My archbishop doesn’t yet endorse me, so I bribe him with gold to get over it, for now. The rest of my father’s council resigns en masse, so I fill in those positions to calm down some of the bad opinions among my legions of dukes. This is the middle-phase problem with transitioning from kingdom to empire—until you can organize kings under your rule, you have an increasingly large mob of seething dukes to deal with.

My mother is still pretty young, and given her wild sexy ways, I’m less inclined to keep her around court. Plus, I can gain an alliance versus potentially rebellious subjects by marrying her off to Petty King Beorhthelm Byrhtnothson of Mercia. He’s a heretic and can’t decide where to put all those h’s in his name, but I just need access to his troops.

And of course a Liberty faction forms against me, anchored by my own spymaster.

Unfortunately he doesn’t have anybody in his court I can marry to cement an alliance and disqualify him from faction membership. I could peel off one of the other smaller rebel dukes this way, but their individual contributions are much less significant. May have to take my chances against that rebellion, as I really don’t want to accede to their demands and lower my crown authority (which would set back the progress I’ve made on improving inheritance laws).

Since I can’t make a match for myself among vassals, I get betrothed to the 1-year-old Princess Adelheid of Bavaria. They have a good-sized army, and they’re close by enough to help with the upcoming rebellion. And assuming I survive, I have a long time to wriggle out of that betrothal.

Incidentally, I’m offered the chance to become some other hapless kid’s bully, which I decline (and gain stress from declining). I also get to enjoy another one of these pre-coming-of-age events where all the choices lead to bad permanent traits. This time I choose to become Impatient versus either Shy or Gluttonous, which ain’t great but is the best option of a bad lot.

Regrettably I can’t quite wrap up Dad’s war in West Francia before the imminent rebellion, though I occupy all claimed territories as well as their capital of Paris. The warscore should tick up to victory in my favor anyway, but always a chance other overlapping wars there could screw things up. I withdraw my troops back home and keep them raised for the imminent rebel ultimatum.

And we’re off!

Right off the bat, I make a strategic blunder that almost costs me the war. I notice that the overlapping conflicts in West Francia have undone my father’s progress faster than anticipated, so I detour to re-establish occupations that, with luck, will wrap it up. That gives the rebels time to advance and lay siege to my own capital of Angoulme.

This is very bad when you’re a kid king, because if enemies take your capital, there’s a strong chance they’ll capture your kid self. Which would end the war in defeat for yours truly. I barely manage to run back south and engage the siegers, along with my allies, right before they would have won.

It turns into a solid if not decisive victory, thankfully. I spread out to chase armies and lay a few sieges of my own.

The war in West Francia finally concludes in victory, which is a huge relief. I divvy up the counties, create a new vassal duke of Orleans, and hope that situation will just sit tight for a few years while I attend to business at home.

A bit more dancing about and I occupy one of the rebel capitals scattered across my realm. Another substantial battle ends in victory, though no major captures. Rinse and repeat as I chase the rebels’ main force through the south of France, fighting occasional running battles bulked up with my allies’ soldiers and laying sieges here and there. And just like that …

Now I have a lot of people in my dungeon all of a sudden who need to have their titles rearranged a bit along with their stupid faces. I’m 14 years old and feeling very angsty about all this adult betrayal, I don’t mind saying.

I take away most of the rebel titles, leaving one duke intact because he’s of Thouars stock. His heir can inherit when he eventually dies in prison. Everyone else also stays in prison after their titles are handed out to new and more properly grateful vassals.

Time to kick back, relax, and not screw anything up until I turn 16! Which I manage to do.

I’m the real king now! I immediately break the betrothal to the six-year-old Bavarian princess, and instead marry a Greek Orthodox lady named Iouliana Phokas. She’s kinda smart. Not a huge catch but she’s available, pretty good, and we have a high chance of makin’ babies asap.

I give her a welcome-to-the-fam gift of gold, which sweetens her enough to agree to Catholic conversion. Good starting place as we then move into the usual seduction scheme scenario!

Politically speaking, what’s left of West Francia is wracked by civil war, as well as two of my vassals attacking that country for their own claims. I begin to fabricate claims on the duchy of Anjou there. But I’m also interested in Italy, which still controls a few Burgundian counties that would help build up my eventual claim to the empire of Francia. Italy’s also embroiled in multiple wars.

One way to claim all of those Burgundian counties at once would be to re-create the kingdom of Burgundy. Then I could go to war for the whole enchilada. However, there’s built-in risk—if I die unexpectedly, then the crown title of Burgundy would be inherited separately from the kingdom of Aquitaine, splitting my realm as happened with the now-independent kingdom of Brittany so long ago. I think I’ll play it safe and claim little pieces of Burgundy through old-fashioned forgery.

Queen Iouliana is pregnant, a nice early surprise as my seduction scheme hasn’t quite finished yet.

While the fabrication machine focuses on Anjou in West Francia, I decide to prosecute the legit claim I already have against Italy, for two extant counties in my Burgundian duchy of Savoy. True to family form, Iouliana gives birth to a daughter, Valence.

While the war in Italy grinds along, I successfully seduce Iouliana, and we become lovers. After seduction comes romance (in this world), with the result of becoming soulmates. I have a pretty low chance of this though, due to me being Impatient versus Iouliana’s trait of Content. I soldier on regardless, and get the rando duel event, versus an insulting rando. Who I beat like a rented mule!

This is fortunate as I’m not very good at sword stuff, but the other guy was even worse. I’m a romantic hero! Or at least I am until the next challenge, where she bets I can’t stop eating for awhile, and I attempt to deceive her, and fail. What a weird thing to ask somebody who just wants to date you!

The next event in the romance scheme is the hunt, and having done this a few times I think I got it all sewed up. But then!

That’s what I get for confusing chivalry with sexism. This ends my whole romance scheme as well. Guess we’ll just have to be satisfied with the shallow, physical aspects of marriage.

Speaking of marriage, my ally by marriage Petty King Beorhthelm of Mercia up Britain way calls me to war against a rebellious vassal. I’ll deal with that once the Italy thing is sorted.

Not sure what prompted it but I’ve also started rocking a pretty sweet goatee.

Usually not a fan of goats, but I think it works here, though the whole package doesn’t really scream “romance.” But you can see why the queen is content to use me carnally.

Which makes me wonder why we haven’t made more babies lately? Oh well, have to let nature take its course I suppose. The war in Italy is won, so I trudge my armies all the way northwest across Aquitaine to embark across the sea to help out my stepdad whatsisname over in Mercia.

My sister Margot comes of age, so I betroth her matrilineally to a smart guy named Roger Karling-Marle in order to produce more smart Thouars kids around here. I quickly smash the wee enemies up in Mercia just as my spymaster discovers a plot to murder my new and only child, Valence. She’s not my primary heir—that’s my brother Jacques, duke of the family seat of Poitou—but she is the heir to one of my duchies. Could be one of the claimants for that title. Developing!

I work on building up my military (and treasury) before the next war, now that I have all the claims I need to take the duchy of Anjou from what’s left of West Francia. Iouliana is pregnant once again. Who needs to be soulmates when you crank out babies the way God intended?

Next: Inglorious, horrible, tragic defeat.