King Sigismond II of Aquitaine, 1153-1165 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

I’m concerned about my ducal claim on Normandy expiring due to my always-possible untimely death. The current holder, Petty King Máel-Column, has a relatively small army, little gold, and no allies. He is yet another giant though. Must take after his dad.

I’ve also now been king long enough that it’s time to start marrying off granddaughters. First out of the gate is Ermengarde—haven’t seen an Ermengarde in awhile—daughter of my Valence. Since I’m not in the market for more allies, I marry her matrilineally to a smart and attractive Sardinian named Mikelli Forez-Torres. I also think to take over personal guardianship of my grandson and grand-heir Raynaud, which should help make sure he doesn’t go too far astray.

We make short work of the Normandian army and lay siege throughout the duchy. I’m marching with (though not commanding), my army, and the exercise must be doing me good as I lose the Obese trait. My spymaster learns that my daughter Denise—the one who barely survived smallpox, and is now married to her sister’s widower, Prince Stefan of Bavaria—is the object of a murder plot by her own father-in-law, King Ekkehard of that nation. I’m guessing he desires a better match for his son, but to murder my girl? Low.

Once again I’m hit with a duo of stress-causing events during a war, when I cannot de-stress. And once again it’s the death of half-siblings hidden away in Britain. My mom Helga really got busy when she finally left my court.

Normandy falls quickly, and the duchy is finally mine. It’s also one of the few non-Catholic regions left in France, with some old holdouts of the Norse religion keeping their faith. One of these heathens is in my dungeon, and he refuses to convert to Catholicism to gain release, as he has the Zealous trait. As a devoted servant of the Church I cannot permit him any other mercy than the flames, and so poor Stefen is executed. It is as God wills and such.

My youngest son Adrien comes of age, and I marry him to a Quick and Hale young Cumbrian lass named Siân vch Adda Wledig. It’s weird having multiple sons where I’m not micromanaging their relations.

I’m now 55 years old, and I don’t know if it’s the stress or the weight issues or what, but I’m looking kinda rough.

Definitely a lot of livin’ under that beard. I’m now 14 counties away from being able to form an empire, so it’s going to be a generation or two. I don’t want to do anything too wild in my golden years that might endanger my heir’s situation.

I’m now at the point in the north of France that I’m faced with a number of small claims that have to be fought out individually, county by county. So might as well try and take West Francia down a one more peg, this time for the county of Maine, de jure part of my vassal duchy of Anjou.

My cool pal King Rorgues of Brittany is still allied with West Francia. I make him an ally of my own, thinking that will prevent him from declaring against me. But no, he joins in the war as an enemy. That guy is really pushing the boundaries of Friensdship. Funnily enough, Rorgues’ troops run afoul of one of my vassals, who defeats them easily. I don’t even need to fight you bro. I got people for that.

West Francia’s armies are no match for my own, and I predictably bash and chase them around will sieiging their castles. All going according to plan, but then!

My second son Yves is murdered by parties unknown. Very sad! As my secondary heir he was in line for a duchy, but that just now goes to one of his own children. So this doesn’t really track as succession murder-for-hire. He was also the sadist kid, so maybe he had an enemy with other motives.

Anyways, after several running battles in which I repeatedly crush my enemies and see them driven before me etc., I capture King Hélie himself and end the war.

I spend a year hanging out and vibing, letting my vassals get comfortable, spending gold on my holdings, the usual. Just as I’m about to cherry-pick another county in the north, I get an alliance call from Lotharingia again. This time they’re attempting to take over the whole neighboring kingdom of Frisia. Certainly possible with my help, but holding on to it afterwards is always the catch. I begin the long march east once again.

My granddaughter Julienne, daughter of Valence, comes of age and is married to healthy Cispaline named Aldobrandino d’Asti. I realize belatedly that I went along with a lot of kids getting named Julienne recently, which should wreak havoc with the already turgid cast of characters.

I head straight to the capital of Frisia and capture it, as well as their child-king, ending the war immediately. King Manfred II now wears the crowns of both Lotharingia and Frisia, but they’ll be divided among his sons on his death.

With peace upon the land, I throw a feast to de-stress a bit. My love of a good feast earns me the Famous Reveler trait, which increases my diplomacy score yet more.

That little scroll at bottom left? That’s my diplomacy score, now at 41, which is just jaw-droppingly high (for me). Sort of absurd really, but I’ll miss it when I’m gone.

Oh well, might as well pick up another county while I’m still alive. I prosecute the destitute British petty kingdom of Hwicce for their foolish possession of the French county of Bayeaux.

My grandson and namesake Sigismond comes of age. He’s important because he’s the eldest son and heir of my murdered son Yves, meaning he’s also one of my heirs now. I marry him to a Greek Orthodox woman named Romylia Maleinos-Crius, whose Quick and Hale traits will with luck ameliorate Sigismond’s own albinism. Bayeaux falls with barely a struggle.

That was quick enough that I needn’t wait long to pick off another county in the area—another British foothold from the petty kingdom of Gwynedd. They have a respectable army, but it’s still only a third the size of mine.

My daughter Valence’s husband Gregorios Sikoundenos has served well as my marshal for many years, but he conks off of natural causes. It’s unlikely she can have any more children, but just in case I marry her matrilineally to Udalrich Obroditen, who if anything is even more of a badass. Look at this guy!

Yep, he’s a giant. And there’s still a medium chance of children, despite them both being in middle age. In other news, my granddaughter Bérengère (another daughter of Valence) comes of age and is married matrilineally to Gunnar Ingibjörgsson. He’s Quick and Handsome, which I hope may genetically counteract her hunchback.

The war for that county of Gwynedd goes well, if a little slowly as their army is actually quite strong despite its smaller size. Right as I finally smash their main for good, I get some extremely bad news: My son and heir Sigismond 3 has been murdered by parties unknown.

No he did not deserve this! I mean, other than the obsession with incest and whatnot. Still I cannot help but notice I’ve had two sons murdered in my court, with no culprits named. My spymaster is very skilled in intrigue, as is my wife who is assisting with intrigue efforts. And yet we didn’t detect either murder plot? Verrrrry suspicious. Unfortunately I will likely never know who did these deeds unless they make a mistake and/or reveal themselves.

Unless the game just tells me after a few days? Not sure why, but while Yves is still listed as murdered by parties unknown, Sigismond’s killer is revealed as none other than Godwyn ab Alfred Emlyn, husband of my sister Charlotte (i.e. the aunt that Sigismond slept with). This is an almost exact repeat of the scenario where Crown Prince Aymar was murdered by the cuckolded husband of the aunt he was sleeping with, more than a hundred years ago. Eerie.

Well, my new heir is Sigismond 3’s son Raynaud, who I’ve been guiding as ward, so he’s in decent enough shape. He’s 11 years old, which means I need to hang on 5 more years for him to come of age. At 62, it’s possible, as I’m currently in good health. Hope I don’t get murdered!

Of course, right as I said Raynaud is in decent shape, he gets a bully event that ends up with him gaining the Arbitrary trait, which comes with some unpleasant penalties for a ruler. Good stuff. The whole idea of a bully beating up a crown prince like a Nickelodeon cartoon is getting pretty tiresome actually.

While I still have a little juice left in these old bones, I decide to take one more swing at West Francia, for my de jure county of Blois. Added bonus—if I take this county, I can usurp and destroy the kingdom title of West Francia, as I did long ago with Burgundy. This time, I call all my allies just to finish this as quickly as possible—including King Rorgues of Brittany, to preclude him from being called in as an ally by West Francia. Rorgues calls me right back to help defend him versus a rebellion, which seems fair-ish I guess.

Almost immediately I manage to smash the majority of the West Francian army, laying siege to Blois and then off to Paris itself. Ah, Paris! How many times I have sacked you. I’m diverted from Paris by the return of the enemy remnant, which gets quickly trapped between my army and those of my allies.

Ah, Slaughter at Château Renard, my favorite vintage. Meanwhile, my grandson Aldebert (son of my other murdered son Yves) comes of age, and I marry him to young alliance-free Franconian lady named Luitgard von Abensberg.

Due to the overpowering nature of my assault, the West Francian warscore ticks over to victory before I can even take Paris. And that kingdom title is mine to swipe. Here’s West Francia intact:

And here it is after I take away the kingdom title:

It’s just a bunch of independent counties! Apparently King Hélie wasn’t using any duchy-level titles at all, so now his nation has completely disintegrated.

This is catnip for myself and all other surrounding rulers of course. However, I have the natural advantage of serving as all those counts’ de jure liege, as the new king of West Francia. I offer them the safety of vassalization, and all but two accept.

Suddenly I’m two (2) counties away from being able to create the Empire of Francia.

This is real nail-biter territory. If I hold on to the kingdom title for West Francia, I can use it to start wars to get those last counties. But if I die while holding it, my realm will be split in half on succession. I’m in good health at the moment, but I’m 63 years old. I could die anytime! Even more so than usual!

Complicating the situation is that I have armies currently raised. Can’t declare new wars if you have active troops, so I’d have to disband those troops in order to declare war. But if I disband them, it would be about six months before they would be ready to come back to active duty—so, another six months for me to die at an inopportune moment.

The safest course would be to destroy the West Francian kingdom title and proceed studiously as before. But to hell with that! Time to roll the dice of Fate and grasp for Empire. Huzzah!

I increase my risk somewhat my ducking over to Brittany with my raised army and smashing the rebels there . May not decide the course of that war, but it checks the box of “contributed,” so I still get my Good Ally merit badge. I disband my troops and settle in to wait.

My grandson and heir Raynaud gets an event under my guardianship where he could gain the Lustful trait. I’m tempted to let it remain, as that would help with his ability to produce babies. But it’s also considered a sin, incurring opinion penalties among fellow Catholics. Instead I can spend stress points and get him the Gregarious trait, which is positive opinion-wise.

It’s a quiet few months, but then … it’s go time. The objectives:

I’m targeting the northern county of Eu, still held by the British petty kingdom of Kent; and the independent county of Meaux. The latter should have just folded as a de jure vassal, but the resident count is a Mulwalladi Visigoth (!) and rejects my protection. My old pal King Hélie… er sorry Count Hélie still holds the two counties of Troyes and Ile de France. It would be nice to just take both those counties from him at one fell swoop, but I still have a treaty with the mad old bird. Let him watch!!!

Meaux should be a pushover. Eu is another matter, as Kent still has a decently sized army and a couple allies. So I call in all my boys too to make this as unfair (and quick) a fight as possible.

Whoops, forgot that since Meaux is Mulwalladi, they can call in a Muslim holy order! Suddenly he has a pretty big force for a one-count dude. Of course two can play at that game. The Knights Templar answer my call on the first ring. Meaux’s army dithers around the only place they have to defend until my entire force assembles, and the ensuing battle cuts their number in half.

My pal King Rorgues over in Brittany was captured in some ill-advised foreign misadventure by none other than the Catholic queen of Jerusalem (guess one of those Crusades worked out). He dies in her dungeon and is replaced by his heir Rorgues II, who is also in jail in Jerusalem. And I think my family has problems!! Amirite mon amis!!!

I do actually have something of a problem though, as Rorgues I’s death stressed me out (he was a “friend” remember), putting me on the brink of yet another mental break.

Meaux falls as expected, and I move my armies over to Eu and the main event. Romylia Maleinos-Crius, wife of my grandson and namesake Sigismond, attempts to seduce me. Le ick.

When my army arrives at Eu, we’re met by a small contingent of Kentish forces. I expect I’ll crush this force, occupy Eu, and possibly have to go wreck a few things across the channel to win this war. But instead, my victorious troops capture Petty King Lóeguire on the battlefield. With that leverage, I can end the war.

And so I do! Meaux plus Eu equals Empire, baby!!!

And check out my new fit!!!!

All I can say is … bon.

Next: Godspeed You! French Emperor