King Sigismond of Aquitaine, 1054-1061 AD

Time to put away childhood things.

January 04, 2022

Now, what to do with all these imprisoned rebels—particularly the four rebellious dukes.

First up is my sister Sarrazine herself. Since she rebelled, I can revoke all her titles without my other vassals thinking I’m a tyrant (major opinion penalties). Same with Duchess Ana of Gascogne. Both of them will spend the rest of their lives in prison, if I can help it.

Next is Duke Bertran Gellones of Barcelona. I can revoke his titles as well, but have to wait for a local war one of his vassals is involved in to conclude. Last is Duke Ordoño III Íñiga of Toulouse, who as the largest military contributor really deserves to get bounced out of his titles. But some vagary of medieval law protects him from that, at least not without making me look tyrannical. So I’ll just have to content myself with allowing him to pay me off in gold in exchange for his freedom.

I farm out the revoked duchies of Armagnac and Gascogne to new folks, gaining loyal vassals in the place of rebels. I also grant one of my own counties in the duchy of Poitou to a new vassal, just to get back under my personal domain limit. I’ll have to give up Poitou eventually, just not yet!

My sister (and friend!) Adalmode comes of age. I already have a number of alliances, and I decide I want to keep her at court (also seems like we need more Thouars family around, as I actually only had a couple available to grant titles to). So I marry her matrilineally to a lowborn Polish guy named Paweł, who has a good sword arm at least.

No sooner has Duke Ordoño paid his way out of prison and he’s founded a new Liberty faction against me. That guy needs to learn his lesson. Fortunately his solo military power, while formidable, is not enough to allow his faction to gain headway. For now.

As for myself, at age 13 I’m starting to feel a little less constantly on edge.

My stats have begun to increase as I get older, decreasing opinion penalties from others. I’m still stuck with the Lazy trait, but I also gained positivity from becoming Patient and Compassionate. I’m still betrothed to Julienne de Saint-Valéry, young daughter of Duke André of Auvergne. Nothing particularly wrong nor right about her, but the age gap is a big buzzkill since it means I’d have to wait eight years before heir production may commence in earnest. Will have to calculate the political cost of breaking that arrangement when the time comes.

Speaking of betrothals, my sister Mélisande’s betrothed—Prince Iordanes of the Byazantine Empire—has come of age, but he’s imprisoned by his father’s wartime enemies, and so cannot wed. It seems likely his father the emperor will lose that war, along with the empire itself, making it likely that I’ll try to break that betrothal as well.

Whoops never mind! Iordanes got sprung, and they went ahead and got hitched. Looks like he got a cool hat too. He’s still the heir to the Byzantine Empire, though who knows how long that will last.

My bully Matheiu is still bothering me, stressing me out with his rumormongering. I can plot to have him killed now, but my low intrigue skill makes that next to impossible. Not to mention it’s against my Compassionate nature to plot murders. On the flip side, I have a separate run-in with another kid, and I’m offered the chance to become his bully. But again, as a Compassionate lad, I must turn the other cheek and break this cycle of abuse.

Another wartime betrothal matures, and my sister Almodis goes off to consummate her union with Ieuan ap Cerie Emlyn of the British duchy of Gwynedd, one of my rando wartime allies who proved quite valuable.

But then, an urgent letter from Byzantium!

It might appear that Basileus Samuel wants me to go to war against his own tyranny, but that just happens to be the name of the war against him. Feels like he would probably call it something else? Anyway, I’ll accept the call to war, and then I’ll definitely think about sending some troops halfway across the world to help. Just like the Byzantines did when I needed them.

Uh, but then suddenly my sister Mélisande dies of “natural causes”? Very convenient. The formal alliance with Byzantium thus dissolves, though I’m still a party to this dumb war. Which I will now ignore overtly rather than subtly.

Hey, it’s been awhile since we did a thing with incest! How about this one: a duke and his daughter? Sure why not.

Sometimes these sorts of accusations are hard to verify, but both Duke Mathieu (no relation to my bully Mathieu) of Bourbon and his daughter Belleassez now have the official Incestuous trait, so … I guess that’s proof? The truly dumb thing is I can imprison the daughter, but not the duke. I know medieval times are all about the misogyny, but that seems a little rich even for this game.

I can release or pardon Belleassez, but either way it seems quite possible her husband, Count Diego of Labourd, will imprison or even execute her himself given the chance. I decide just to let her go. I’d pardon her if she hadn’t actually done her dad. Kinda gross y’all.

In happier news, my evil sister Sarrazine died in my dungeon.

Good luck in the netherworld, you crazy rebellious murdering psycho. Or, to put it another way, I lived bitch!

That’s right, I made it to the age of majority and can finally do stuff. One of Sarrazine’s grandkids is my current heir due to the vagaries of the ever-shifting family tree. All the more reason to produce my own direct heir(s) asap. But this is a fraught decision. Not only will Duke André get mad at me for breaking off my betrothal to his daughter, but it will free him up to join factions against me. I think it’s a risk I have to take, in defense of the Thouars bloodline.

Sorry Julienne. It’s not you, it’s me. I immediately whip out medieval Hinge and locate Richwara von Bern, a Swabian lady who’s a little older at 22 but has high Intrigue (which I lack), and more importantly is both Quick (i.e., a little smart) and Lustful (meaning we can get right to the baby making).

Our chance of children is Very High, which is Very Hot to kings on the express baby train. As per my usual routine, I immediately give her a gift of gold and commence a scheme to seduce her. I look pretty stoked in my wedding portrait!

Richwara has a more, shall we say indulgent expression, but I’ll take what I can get connubially.

It’s also time to begin further encroaching on the lands of West Francia in order to gain more French-culture counties and begin the long-term process of constituting the Empire of Francia. Turns out I already control three of the seven counties in the West Francian duchy of Burgundy (not to be confused with the separate kingdom of Burgundy). Not really sure how that happened, but it means I only need one more county to create the duchy as my vassal, which would give me a de jure claim on the rest of it. So I dispatch my archbishop to begin fabricating a claim on the county of Avalois.

In an exciting and probably temporary development, I become the head of French culture!

This is because West Francia is currently riven by multiple civil wars, so that I by default control the most French counties. I use my Head-Powers to immediately prioritize researching the Hereditary Rule law, which would at last help clean up the realm-splitting succession problems. Only 21 years from completion!

The seduction scheme for Richwara’s affections proceeds speedily. Since she’s a lusty gal, I choose something entertaining for a public reading, which she likes so much she “widens her stance.” I’m loosening my collar to let out the cartoon steam over here.

The civil wars in West Francia wrap up, and their sovereign-du-jour Queen Ermengarde retakes the role of French culture head. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Richwara and I successfully become lovers. As she is older and more experienced, I only hope she will be gentle with me.

My ally in the British duchy of Gwynedd calls me to war against a title claimant, and so we ship our boys across the narrow sea to help. Richwara becomes pregnant, praise Jesus.

We’re running all over Britain chasing down those villains when word comes back that my Thouars blood continues to breed true, in the female offspring sense. Welcome Echive.

We wrap the British war easily for my grateful ally in Gwynedd, and Richwara is already pregnant again. My fabricated claim on the West Francian county of Avalois comes to fruition. West Francia is at peace but has little gold and no allies. I’ll let my own treasury regenerate, then take them to task. Meanwhile, I send my archbishop to begin fabricating another claim, this time for the county of Bresse in the kingdom of Burgundy. Paperwork and gold … such is the machinery of war.

While I’m waiting, my own Duke André of Auvergne declares war on West Francia all by himself, for an unrelated county claim. He doesn’t seem overly bothered by the broken betrothal. Good vibes only, Andy!