King Sigismond of Aquitaine, 1081-1099 AD

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

My daughter Richwara (daughter of Richwara) comes of age. I ship her off to marry the Serene Doge Eriprando of Venice, a young buck of 60. Why not, I says. There’s always more daughters.

It isn’t long before my new and much more loyal spy-hamster Duke Guillame of Burgundy comes to the obvious conclusion that there’s a plot afoot to murder me. Perhaps based on the recent poisoning?

Hmmm, who could it be!!! In other tragic news, my daughter Arsinde dies in childbirth way over in Moldavia, severing that connection and sloshing me with a bucket of grief-stress. My sickly daughter Adelinde appears to be recovering, at least. It seems increasingly unlikely I’ll have any more children—at least not with Richwara, who is now 45 years old.

Time for another distracting war, and it’s Burgundy’s turn in the barrel as I prosecute my fabricated claim on the county of Lyon. The war ends in success after only a few months as we capture King Jaspert in battle. All too easy.

Incidentally, my successful expansions and West Francia’s continued fragmentation finally cement my hold on the French culture.

Bon! Now I should be able to steer progress to my specific tastes. Having achieved this milestone, the next big leap is empire. How close am I to that exalted state? I control 54 of the 95 required counties to create the Empire of Francia, so … might be a minute. But we’ll get there, mon ami.

I’m starting to get a little stressed, so I throw a feast between wars to blow off steam. Of course, who should attend and make a scene other than my old pal, rival, and would-be poisoner Duke Ordoño. This gives me more stress and yet another health penalty. This guy is going to murder me in the most drawn-out and abstract way, it feels like.

With my vassal unrest cooling off, I embark on another war against my favorite old punching bag West Francia, for the county of Dijon—last of the de jure counties under my duchy of Burgundy. Will have to start a new round of fabrications against West Francia after this one.

While I’m off at war once again, another daughter dies in childbirth—Echive this time, my eldest child. After the usual round of sackings and a decisively bloody battle, the latest West Francian war once again ends in victory. My archbishop finishes fabricating a claim for the next war over in Burgundy, so I send him to begin the process once again back in West Francia for the next war after next.

In the “oh word” department, my spymaster finally comes to the logical conclusion that Duke Ordoño is trying to kill me.

I now have a legal pretext to imprison Ordoño, even though I don’t have the practical ability to do so (as he has such high intrigue). But that doesn’t matter because my failed attempt to imprison him just makes him automatically rebel, and I can finally crush this jagoff once and for all. He’s been a pain in the ass since I was a child!

Still, Ordoño is no slouch and fields a decently sized army with lots of pro soldiers. Even with numerical superiority, it’s touch and go for a minute when I finally chase him down. Fortunately, Ordoño fails to account on just how capturey my army can be.

And unlike the last time he rebelled, now I can revoke his titles. I shall find a more friendly head to crown the Duke of Toulouse. Ordoño will still get to retain a county title, for all the good it will do him as he rots in my dungeon for the rest of his miserable life.

I spend an idle couple years building up my domain and flattering vassals while my various truces run out. Soon enough it’s time to take another county from Burgundy—Viviers this round. Doing so will enable me to usurp the duchy-level Dauphinate of Viennois.

The war should have unfolded easily enough, but I make a strategic blunder and allow my initial siege to be repelled by Burgundy’s Italian allies. Eventually I get my act together and re-siege, and after driving off the Italians I smash the tiny Burgundian army, capturing the hapless King Jaspert and ending the war.

The brevity of these recent conflict has kept my vassals’ war weariness at a minimum, so I go ahead and immediately declare war on West Francia over the county of Berry. Another quick war, another county toward the eventual Empire.

King Jaspert II over in Burgundy has died, replaced by the seven-year-old Jaspert III. Due to my ability to prioritize those laws I like as culture head, I now have a casus belli that lets me claim all titles under a de jure duchy I control. Short version: I can declare wars for several counties at once, rather than one at a time. I go to war for the remainder of my Dauphinate of Viennois, namely the counties of Viennois and Valentinois. The Burgundian army is a tenth the size of mine, and baby Jaspert has no allies. Or at least he doesn’t until he manages to recruit a minor duke of Corsica who my troops immediately capture.

I lay siege to most of Burgundy without incident. My daughter Adelinde comes of age, so I wed her matrilineally to a lowborn Cispaline genius named Teobaldo.

As that war ends, my old nemesis Ordoño finally dies of heart failure while in my custody.

That’s a shame. Yes he tried to dethrone me, courted my wife, beat me up, and conspired to murder me, but as king one must get past these things. (sips wine placidly from Ordoño skull goblet)

Time for another war with West Francia, yadda yadda yadda county of Sancerre which I was accidentally granted a claim to. My youngest daughter Bonne comes of age, so I marry her to Petty King Ælfmær II Euphemiason of East Anglia. He’s a giant, and you know I like the big guys. Off she goes. West Francia is defeated and spins off into its thousandth civil war.

Ah, but sadness… my beloved and most productive wife Queen Richwara has passed away of old age at 62. In a bizarre coincidence, I find out via my spymaster right as she dies that she was an atheist all along. Well that’s hardly the worst secret kept by the Thouars queens. I am only 55 years young, which means I have a slim chance—just like my dad Jacques did with me—of finally producing a male heir late in life, if I can find a sufficiently hot to trot new queen.

I locate a young lady named Helga Bluome who has the Lustful trait, giving us in aggregate a “high” chance of children. Welcome Queen Helga! Did you happen to notice how handsome I am? Let me stroke my stubble regally. Why aren’t you looking at me!

I make with the welcome gift basket of gold, containing a seduction scheme. Off to the sex races!

I’m now at the stage of senior citizenry where I’m marrying off my granddaughters. Today’s marriage is for Aliénor, who I match up with King Leutold II Emenon of Bavaria. Kings are knocking my door down for Thouars girls these days! I remember back when I couldn’t even get counts to return my matrimonial calls. Aliénor is also the first documented Thouars with the Giant trait I’ve been pursuing genetically, so that’s cool.

Oops but it turns out Aliénor and Leutold are related. Best not re-entwine that family tree, so Aliénor is packed off to marry Eadwig Cynewulfson, lord of Ferlix up in Wales, who happens to be a comely albino giant of “pure blood.” Gonna get some real D1 babies out of this giant wedding.

Next: More kids, seducing grandma, and the jihad is back baby!