King Sigismond of Aquitaine, 1099-1110 AD

(Previously of Royal Dispatch.)

Well I’m sure happy to have gotten rid of my old rival at last, not to mention solidified control of so much new territory for the kingdom. Feels like everything’s going my way!

Oh come on. Sure, I have been going to a lot of feasts lately to deal with stress and grief. I’m not into body shaming but the Obese trait does come with an attraction penalty, which happens to be an area of focus right now re: seducing my new queen. So I opt for the “Lose Weight” decision, which usually works but comes with its own health risks.

I guess it wasn’t too much of a turn-off though!

Previously I tried to let nature take its course, and sort of not pay attention to the pregnant queen and hoping the universe would fail to notice and accidentally produce a male heir. But now I’m overtly attempting to manifest my agenda! Let’s have us a prince! You can do it Helga!

I manage to fast away my Obese trait. But some dire news over the medieval internet:

Now that I think about it, been a long time since we’ve had any jihads threatening over this way. Guess that’s about to change!

Guess what else is about to change! Who inherits all my titles, that’s what. Make way for Sigismond Junior.

Now I just have to keep him alive till I die, same as any parent.

I kill some truce-timeout time building up my holdings, and taking advantage of the whole-duchy casus belli thing to declare ware on Burgundy for all three counties of Transjurania. And, Helga is already pregnant again. I haven’t even finished my romance scheme yet.

The war in Burgundy is well underway when Helga gives birth to a second son, whom we name Jacques after my dad. Truly an embarrassment of heirboys.

Meanwhile I take over the spooky duchy of Transjurania. Trouble is, all the resident counts have converted to the Catholic heresy of Nestorianism. That’s not on! So I attempt to imprison them all, and succeed in one out of three. The rebellious heretic counts have barely a tenth of my troops between them. It will be my pleasure to crush them both.

My granddaughter Euphrosine comes of age during all this, and I marry her to the Duke Constans Donnchaid of Mann, as in Isle of. Lots of ocean views up there.

The war against the rebellious counts concludes quickly, and I strip them of their lands. I grant the reconstituted duchy of Transjurania to one of my grandkids. I like to spoil em!

Check out the current map of Aquitaine. Getting thicc.

At this point I control enough de jure territory of the kingdom of Burgundy to usurp that title, once that hapless king is at peace. If I choose to do that, though, it would only be to immediately destroy the title. If I die while holding two full kingdoms, then once again the realm would be divided along kingdom lines among my heirs. Can’t have that happen, and it won’t now, as long as I don’t actually hold more than one kingdom title when I die. Oh and the Queen is pregnant again.

If the wind is blowing it must be time to declare war on West Francia, this time for the county of Issoudun. Impressively the queen of Sicily joints in as an enemy, but she’s already involved in three other wars. I figure she has a lot on her plate at the moment.

I toss some gold on my own plate for yet another crusade for Jerusalem that I plan to studiously avoid participating in. Maybe when the family controls an empire…

Queen Helga returns to historical precedent and produces her first daughter, Margot. That’s nine kids in total for me. Almost tied dad’s record!

Or have I! Turns out the current pregnancy is from some other dude!!!

Helga, this hurts. And by my asking Helga to end the affair with Duke Hamelin of Armagnac, and her refusing, I get a “Disgusted” opinion penalty from her? Shouldn’t that go the other way? I guess she’s revolted by my beta-king behavior. These cuckold’s horns are heavy indeed.

I should divorce her, or expose her secret. More drastic measures are generally against my Compassionate nature. But who am I to judge? She gave me not one but two male heirs. I shall overlook this offense, in the interests of the realm.

In other news, the war with West Francia concludes, the county of Issoudun is now mine, blah blah blah. Nevertheless, my new “daughter” Mafalda joins the family, with her secret kept. For now.

Meanwhile, Italy gobbled up half of what remains of the kingdom of Burgundy, so I rush along a quick invasion to claim the other half. Queen Helga is pregnant again. Could be my baby, or not!

The kingdom of Burgundy vanishes from the map, torn apart between Aquitaine and Italy. There may come a time when we must take our Italian friends to task for domineering lands that are rightfully French. Someday. Helga gives birth to a new daughter, Charlotte.

Meanwhile, it appears my cousin, chancellor, and namesake has been indulging in a little sex tourism abroad.

Seducing the 68-year-old grandmother of a grand emir while on assignment? Bro ….

Another granddaughter comes up for marriage, so I dispatch young Denise off to marry Duke Ottone Asti of Meath. Due to the resulting alliance, he immediately calls me to assist in a nuisance rebellion against his rule.

My sister Almodis dies of old age—the last of my many siblings left alive. At 65, I’m due for a visit from the reaper anytime now. I’d really like to cling a bit longer to get my heir in shape, but he’s only 8, meaning I’d have to hold on for another 8 years to see him come of age. It’s possible but not terribly likely. I need one more year to finish fabricating a claim on West Francia, then I’ll do that war and settle down.

My archbishop performs an exemplary forgery on the title front, arranging for me a claim on the entire West Francian duchy of Orleans. I already have a claim on the separate county of Tourraine, and I can go to war for all of it at once thanks to my careful cultural research of relevant laws of warfare.

The war is well underway, but then, you know what they say about best-laid plans and such. A 63-year reign is not half bad at all. Good luck following that act lil’ Sig.

Next: Come at the boy king, best not miss.